Friday, December 14, 2007
Christmas shopping
I'm done!!! When we went to Josh's dad's for Thanksgiving, we took their presents with us. This afternoon, I sent out 2 packages--one to my sister and one to my parents. Then I had to pick up two more presents for my nieces. So now I've got all the presents wrapped for Josh's mom's side of the family, my grandmother, aunts and uncles, and my other sister's family. So I am totally, absolutely done with all my Christmas shopping. Now, all I've got to do is actually send out Christmas cards =/
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
TTC's stages of grief
I was talking to a friend earlier about the frustrations of TTC when I said "I really thought I was okay with all this and that I was at peace. Now I'm thinking I was just in denial. That's the first stage of dealing with loss right? I guess I'm moving into the anger phase." That's when I realized that dealing with TTC really is much like dealing with grief after the loss of a loved one.
We start out in denial where we are just sure it's going to happen next cycle. We refuse to believe that we really are infertile. Infertility seems like such a bad word. Even though we've been trying for over a year and a half, I've only recently begun to use it. We think the fault must lie with our partners or even with the doctor who isn't doing enough.
Next we move to anger. We get mad at our partners for not being as into TTC as we are. We get mad at God for not giving us what we really want. We get mad at those who get their BFP's and those who have kids without having to "try." Fertility meds don't help matters any. They make us emotional and irritable.
Then we start the bargaining stage. We ask what we're doing wrong. Why not us? What can we do to be better, to be more deserving? We begin to pray more, do more things for others, try to prove our worthiness.
Depression comes next. We cry for no reason. We withdrawl into ourselves. We take a step back from blogging, from message boards, from friends, and loved ones. We avoid those who are pregnant or who have children because it just hurts too damn much.
Finally, we reach a state of acceptance. We remember that another cycle means another chance. We make appointments with OB's and RE's. We do more testing. We start looking at next steps.
Unfortunately, with TTC, it doesn't end there. It's as though we begin the process over and over again EVERY cycle. We finally reach that state where we're okay with the 20 or more cycles we've gone through. But then something happens and we get hope that maybe just maybe it's going to end different this time. Then AF rears her ugly head. And we are sent spiraling into grief once again.
I didn't mean for this to get so long. But if you've read this far, I hope it has helped you as much as it has helped me to get it out. It's helped me process my grief a little more. I'm not feeling angry any more. I still wish there was something I could do that would "make" it happen. But I think I'll be okay for a while. At least for the next couple weeks or so.
We start out in denial where we are just sure it's going to happen next cycle. We refuse to believe that we really are infertile. Infertility seems like such a bad word. Even though we've been trying for over a year and a half, I've only recently begun to use it. We think the fault must lie with our partners or even with the doctor who isn't doing enough.
Next we move to anger. We get mad at our partners for not being as into TTC as we are. We get mad at God for not giving us what we really want. We get mad at those who get their BFP's and those who have kids without having to "try." Fertility meds don't help matters any. They make us emotional and irritable.
Then we start the bargaining stage. We ask what we're doing wrong. Why not us? What can we do to be better, to be more deserving? We begin to pray more, do more things for others, try to prove our worthiness.
Depression comes next. We cry for no reason. We withdrawl into ourselves. We take a step back from blogging, from message boards, from friends, and loved ones. We avoid those who are pregnant or who have children because it just hurts too damn much.
Finally, we reach a state of acceptance. We remember that another cycle means another chance. We make appointments with OB's and RE's. We do more testing. We start looking at next steps.
Unfortunately, with TTC, it doesn't end there. It's as though we begin the process over and over again EVERY cycle. We finally reach that state where we're okay with the 20 or more cycles we've gone through. But then something happens and we get hope that maybe just maybe it's going to end different this time. Then AF rears her ugly head. And we are sent spiraling into grief once again.
I didn't mean for this to get so long. But if you've read this far, I hope it has helped you as much as it has helped me to get it out. It's helped me process my grief a little more. I'm not feeling angry any more. I still wish there was something I could do that would "make" it happen. But I think I'll be okay for a while. At least for the next couple weeks or so.
funny story
Josh was looking at my computer while I was working on my blog earlier and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was fixing my blog, he said "you have a blog? I didn't know that. How long have you had it?" He seemed genuinely shocked to find out that I have had a blog since May and he had absolutely no idea!
insomnia
Okay, it's 1:15 in the morning and I can't sleep. I was scheduled to sub for 3rd grade tomorrow, but I cancelled it. There's no way I can deal with a bunch of 8 year olds after less than 5 hours sleep.
As you can see, I've redesigned my blog layout. I also added some more info. I sent emails to former students and co-workers asking for letters of recommendation. It seems like nothing else has helped me get a job. I'm trying to think of more things to do. I really hate being tired but not able to sleep.
Earlier, I submitted a post to the Creme de la Creme. It wasn't that great, but she said she'd kick anyone's ass who tried to use that as an excuse. I also tried to add the image link to my blog, but it wasn't working for some reason so that was a bit frustrating.
I have no idea what's going on with my body right now. I'm on CD14 (well, 15 now) and I'm still getting lows on my CBE monitor. Every other time I've used my monitor, I've been on Clomid so it might just be confused. I didn't use an OPK today, but the one yesterday was negative. My temps have been higher than normal the last few days. In fact, if I put in a couple more temps like what they've been, FF will give me crosshairs on CD12. But I really don't think I O'd then. Though I have been having odd cramps the last week or so. I've also had some major face breakouts, but that normally happens right before AF shows; I can't remember if I also get it before O. So like I said, I'm really confused. And this is probably the last cycle I'll get to try for a while. Josh is leaving for 3 months in Georgia either early or mid January.
Okay so there's another 10-15 minutes. I'll go see what else I can do until I get tired enough to go to sleep. I might be back later.
As you can see, I've redesigned my blog layout. I also added some more info. I sent emails to former students and co-workers asking for letters of recommendation. It seems like nothing else has helped me get a job. I'm trying to think of more things to do. I really hate being tired but not able to sleep.
Earlier, I submitted a post to the Creme de la Creme. It wasn't that great, but she said she'd kick anyone's ass who tried to use that as an excuse. I also tried to add the image link to my blog, but it wasn't working for some reason so that was a bit frustrating.
I have no idea what's going on with my body right now. I'm on CD14 (well, 15 now) and I'm still getting lows on my CBE monitor. Every other time I've used my monitor, I've been on Clomid so it might just be confused. I didn't use an OPK today, but the one yesterday was negative. My temps have been higher than normal the last few days. In fact, if I put in a couple more temps like what they've been, FF will give me crosshairs on CD12. But I really don't think I O'd then. Though I have been having odd cramps the last week or so. I've also had some major face breakouts, but that normally happens right before AF shows; I can't remember if I also get it before O. So like I said, I'm really confused. And this is probably the last cycle I'll get to try for a while. Josh is leaving for 3 months in Georgia either early or mid January.
Okay so there's another 10-15 minutes. I'll go see what else I can do until I get tired enough to go to sleep. I might be back later.
Monday, December 3, 2007
"informal meeting"
So I get a call today from the secretary in the HR office for the school district. She says that the principal I interviewed with about 2 weeks ago wants to have an informal meeting with me and his math teachers. This seems to be a good step since I haven't gotten a rejection letter this time and I've never had a second interview with the district. So I'm really hoping that this means that I just might get a "real job"!!!!!!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
New Baby
So I got to hold my friend's brand new baby today. She was just about 24 hours old and the absolute sweetest thing I've ever seen. I don't think I've ever held a baby that young before. So adorable. And I'm only like 80% jealous ;)
grrrrr
well, I thought it was full blown AF yesterday, but now I'm thinking it was still just Spot. Man, she's evil. If she's coming, she should just come already. Enough messing with my head. Okay, so I'm not KU. So get here so we can move on to the next cycle and try another IUI. Grrrrr
Saturday, November 24, 2007
No need to test
Spot came to visit right after turkey dinner on Thanksgiving Day. What timing. I was only 9dpo so I'm definitely going to talk to the doc about my progesterone levels. It seems that 200 mg of Prometrium just isn't cutting it. Big plunge in temp yesterday. Of course, I hadn't been temping, but it was well below my post O temps that I used to confirm O in the first place. Flo is here today so it's officially CD1--AGAIN! So on to C21. We're going to do another IUI this cycle. If it doesn't work, we should have just enough time for one more cycle before Josh has to go to Georgia for 3 months. We'll be out of town for the first half of that cycle so we won't be able to do a third IUI. But we'll definitely do some major baby dancing!
Anyway, I hope your Thanksgiving was better than mine. Though it was actually pretty good considering AF tried to ruin it.
Anyway, I hope your Thanksgiving was better than mine. Though it was actually pretty good considering AF tried to ruin it.
Monday, November 19, 2007
well, it's official
I'm 6dpo. Since I've confirmed O, I've stopped temping. Especially, since it was just the weekend and the Thanksgiving holidays are coming up. I'm guessing I'll be too busy to worry too much about it. I plan on testing on Sunday, just to see. I'll be 12dpo at that time. So it should be pretty accurate by then.
On a side note, I have a job interview today. It's for a middle school science position. The school also has history and math positions. I'd much rather have the math job, but right now I'll take anything I can get. I'll update when I find out.
I'm leaving tomorrow for Josh's dad's house. We'll be there until Thursday afternoon. It'll be good to get away for a little while. Josh is getting really frustrated with his job right now. He's seriously considering getting out of the Navy in a couple years when his contract is up. And he's a bit scared about what he'll do or where we'll go. I'll try to tell him that we've still got 2 years to decide. But he's been really moody about it.
On a side note, I have a job interview today. It's for a middle school science position. The school also has history and math positions. I'd much rather have the math job, but right now I'll take anything I can get. I'll update when I find out.
I'm leaving tomorrow for Josh's dad's house. We'll be there until Thursday afternoon. It'll be good to get away for a little while. Josh is getting really frustrated with his job right now. He's seriously considering getting out of the Navy in a couple years when his contract is up. And he's a bit scared about what he'll do or where we'll go. I'll try to tell him that we've still got 2 years to decide. But he's been really moody about it.
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