Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year, Same Old Song and "Dance"

In about 4 hours it will be 2008. But I'm not forseeing any real changes from 2007. I'm really hoping that I'll get a new job and a baby, but I'm not counting on it. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, per se, but I do plan on going to the gym more, eating better and getting more involved in church.

On the TTC front, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that AF found me yesterday. But the good news is that we've got one more chance before Josh goes to Georgia for 3 months. It's a small chance, but we're going to give it a go. Josh will probably be leaving on CD12 so we're going to have to do a lot of BDing in the hopes that I'll actually O on CD14 or so (I'm on Clomid again) and some of his "sailors" will still be around to meet the egg. With Josh being gone for the next 3 months, I probably won't be, but I'm really hoping that all my "batcave" girls will be new moms this time next year.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and enjoys the time spent with family and friends. I've just spent the past few hours with some family that I haven't seen in years. It's been 10 years or so since I've seen my sister and her family and some of my cousins and their families. It was really nice. We'll be seeing some more in the next few days before heading back home to Texas. Then I'll have about a week or so off before going back to work. Hopefully Josh and I can get our house clean and organized before he has to go to Georgia for 3 months. Speaking of which, if anyone wants to come keep me company during that time, you're more than welcome :)

Again, Merry Christmas and I hope you get everything you need and desire. And have a safe and joyous New Year!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Pet Peeve

Okay, everybody hates email spam. And a lot of people get annoyed when the only time they hear from some people is through email forwards. But what really gets on my nerves is when people send out "important" messages either warnings or please boycott pleadings and don't even bother to check on the validity of the email.

I've gotten 2 of these today. One was about how the new presidential dollar coins aren't going to have "In God We Trust" printed on the front. The other was about some boy who was missing. Both emails were false. How hard is it to check out before sending it on?? I mean, please do the world a favor and check out stuff before you send it on and clog up all your friends' inboxes!!


I've just finished my Christmas cards. Now I've just got to put them in the mailbox and pick up a stamp to send one to my friend Shane who lives in Australia. I really wanted to get these done weeks ago, but I'm glad I'm finally done.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Christmas shopping

I'm done!!! When we went to Josh's dad's for Thanksgiving, we took their presents with us. This afternoon, I sent out 2 packages--one to my sister and one to my parents. Then I had to pick up two more presents for my nieces. So now I've got all the presents wrapped for Josh's mom's side of the family, my grandmother, aunts and uncles, and my other sister's family. So I am totally, absolutely done with all my Christmas shopping. Now, all I've got to do is actually send out Christmas cards =/

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I finally did it

I elfed Josh and I. Check it out:

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 10, 2007

TTC's stages of grief

I was talking to a friend earlier about the frustrations of TTC when I said "I really thought I was okay with all this and that I was at peace. Now I'm thinking I was just in denial. That's the first stage of dealing with loss right? I guess I'm moving into the anger phase." That's when I realized that dealing with TTC really is much like dealing with grief after the loss of a loved one.

We start out in denial where we are just sure it's going to happen next cycle. We refuse to believe that we really are infertile. Infertility seems like such a bad word. Even though we've been trying for over a year and a half, I've only recently begun to use it. We think the fault must lie with our partners or even with the doctor who isn't doing enough.

Next we move to anger. We get mad at our partners for not being as into TTC as we are. We get mad at God for not giving us what we really want. We get mad at those who get their BFP's and those who have kids without having to "try." Fertility meds don't help matters any. They make us emotional and irritable.

Then we start the bargaining stage. We ask what we're doing wrong. Why not us? What can we do to be better, to be more deserving? We begin to pray more, do more things for others, try to prove our worthiness.

Depression comes next. We cry for no reason. We withdrawl into ourselves. We take a step back from blogging, from message boards, from friends, and loved ones. We avoid those who are pregnant or who have children because it just hurts too damn much.

Finally, we reach a state of acceptance. We remember that another cycle means another chance. We make appointments with OB's and RE's. We do more testing. We start looking at next steps.

Unfortunately, with TTC, it doesn't end there. It's as though we begin the process over and over again EVERY cycle. We finally reach that state where we're okay with the 20 or more cycles we've gone through. But then something happens and we get hope that maybe just maybe it's going to end different this time. Then AF rears her ugly head. And we are sent spiraling into grief once again.

I didn't mean for this to get so long. But if you've read this far, I hope it has helped you as much as it has helped me to get it out. It's helped me process my grief a little more. I'm not feeling angry any more. I still wish there was something I could do that would "make" it happen. But I think I'll be okay for a while. At least for the next couple weeks or so.

funny story

Josh was looking at my computer while I was working on my blog earlier and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was fixing my blog, he said "you have a blog? I didn't know that. How long have you had it?" He seemed genuinely shocked to find out that I have had a blog since May and he had absolutely no idea!


Okay, it's 1:15 in the morning and I can't sleep. I was scheduled to sub for 3rd grade tomorrow, but I cancelled it. There's no way I can deal with a bunch of 8 year olds after less than 5 hours sleep.

As you can see, I've redesigned my blog layout. I also added some more info. I sent emails to former students and co-workers asking for letters of recommendation. It seems like nothing else has helped me get a job. I'm trying to think of more things to do. I really hate being tired but not able to sleep.

Earlier, I submitted a post to the Creme de la Creme. It wasn't that great, but she said she'd kick anyone's ass who tried to use that as an excuse. I also tried to add the image link to my blog, but it wasn't working for some reason so that was a bit frustrating.

I have no idea what's going on with my body right now. I'm on CD14 (well, 15 now) and I'm still getting lows on my CBE monitor. Every other time I've used my monitor, I've been on Clomid so it might just be confused. I didn't use an OPK today, but the one yesterday was negative. My temps have been higher than normal the last few days. In fact, if I put in a couple more temps like what they've been, FF will give me crosshairs on CD12. But I really don't think I O'd then. Though I have been having odd cramps the last week or so. I've also had some major face breakouts, but that normally happens right before AF shows; I can't remember if I also get it before O. So like I said, I'm really confused. And this is probably the last cycle I'll get to try for a while. Josh is leaving for 3 months in Georgia either early or mid January.

Okay so there's another 10-15 minutes. I'll go see what else I can do until I get tired enough to go to sleep. I might be back later.

Monday, December 3, 2007

"informal meeting"

So I get a call today from the secretary in the HR office for the school district. She says that the principal I interviewed with about 2 weeks ago wants to have an informal meeting with me and his math teachers. This seems to be a good step since I haven't gotten a rejection letter this time and I've never had a second interview with the district. So I'm really hoping that this means that I just might get a "real job"!!!!!!