I was talking to a friend earlier about the frustrations of TTC when I said "I really thought I was okay with all this and that I was at peace. Now I'm thinking I was just in denial. That's the first stage of dealing with loss right? I guess I'm moving into the anger phase." That's when I realized that dealing with TTC really is much like dealing with grief after the loss of a loved one.
We start out in denial where we are just sure it's going to happen next cycle. We refuse to believe that we really are infertile. Infertility seems like such a bad word. Even though we've been trying for over a year and a half, I've only recently begun to use it. We think the fault must lie with our partners or even with the doctor who isn't doing enough.
Next we move to anger. We get mad at our partners for not being as into TTC as we are. We get mad at God for not giving us what we really want. We get mad at those who get their BFP's and those who have kids without having to "try." Fertility meds don't help matters any. They make us emotional and irritable.
Then we start the bargaining stage. We ask what we're doing wrong. Why not us? What can we do to be better, to be more deserving? We begin to pray more, do more things for others, try to prove our worthiness.
Depression comes next. We cry for no reason. We withdrawl into ourselves. We take a step back from blogging, from message boards, from friends, and loved ones. We avoid those who are pregnant or who have children because it just hurts too damn much.
Finally, we reach a state of acceptance. We remember that another cycle means another chance. We make appointments with OB's and RE's. We do more testing. We start looking at next steps.
Unfortunately, with TTC, it doesn't end there. It's as though we begin the process over and over again EVERY cycle. We finally reach that state where we're okay with the 20 or more cycles we've gone through. But then something happens and we get hope that maybe just maybe it's going to end different this time. Then AF rears her ugly head. And we are sent spiraling into grief once again.
I didn't mean for this to get so long. But if you've read this far, I hope it has helped you as much as it has helped me to get it out. It's helped me process my grief a little more. I'm not feeling angry any more. I still wish there was something I could do that would "make" it happen. But I think I'll be okay for a while. At least for the next couple weeks or so.