New Year, Same Old Song and "Dance"

In about 4 hours it will be 2008. But I'm not forseeing any real changes from 2007. I'm really hoping that I'll get a new job and a baby, but I'm not counting on it. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, per se, but I do plan on going to the gym more, eating better and getting more involved in church.

On the TTC front, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that AF found me yesterday. But the good news is that we've got one more chance before Josh goes to Georgia for 3 months. It's a small chance, but we're going to give it a go. Josh will probably be leaving on CD12 so we're going to have to do a lot of BDing in the hopes that I'll actually O on CD14 or so (I'm on Clomid again) and some of his "sailors" will still be around to meet the egg. With Josh being gone for the next 3 months, I probably won't be, but I'm really hoping that all my "batcave" girls will be new moms this time next year.

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and enjoys the time spent with family and friends. I've just spent the past few hours with some family that I haven't seen in years. It's been 10 years or so since I've seen my sister and her family and some of my cousins and their families. It was really nice. We'll be seeing some more in the next few days before heading back home to Texas. Then I'll have about a week or so off before going back to work. Hopefully Josh and I can get our house clean and organized before he has to go to Georgia for 3 months. Speaking of which, if anyone wants to come keep me company during that time, you're more than welcome :)

Again, Merry Christmas and I hope you get everything you need and desire. And have a safe and joyous New Year!

Pet Peeve

Okay, everybody hates email spam. And a lot of people get annoyed when the only time they hear from some people is through email forwards. But what really gets on my nerves is when people send out "important" messages either warnings or please boycott pleadings and don't even bother to check on the validity of the email.

I've gotten 2 of these today. One was about how the new presidential dollar coins aren't going to have "In God We Trust" printed on the front. The other was about some boy who was missing. Both emails were false. How hard is it to check out snopes.com before sending it on?? I mean, please do the world a favor and check out stuff before you send it on and clog up all your friends' inboxes!!

Finally!

I've just finished my Christmas cards. Now I've just got to put them in the mailbox and pick up a stamp to send one to my friend Shane who lives in Australia. I really wanted to get these done weeks ago, but I'm glad I'm finally done.

Christmas shopping

I'm done!!! When we went to Josh's dad's for Thanksgiving, we took their presents with us. This afternoon, I sent out 2 packages--one to my sister and one to my parents. Then I had to pick up two more presents for my nieces. So now I've got all the presents wrapped for Josh's mom's side of the family, my grandmother, aunts and uncles, and my other sister's family. So I am totally, absolutely done with all my Christmas shopping. Now, all I've got to do is actually send out Christmas cards =/

I finally did it

I elfed Josh and I. Check it out:

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1342465885

Merry Christmas!

TTC's stages of grief

I was talking to a friend earlier about the frustrations of TTC when I said "I really thought I was okay with all this and that I was at peace. Now I'm thinking I was just in denial. That's the first stage of dealing with loss right? I guess I'm moving into the anger phase." That's when I realized that dealing with TTC really is much like dealing with grief after the loss of a loved one.

We start out in denial where we are just sure it's going to happen next cycle. We refuse to believe that we really are infertile. Infertility seems like such a bad word. Even though we've been trying for over a year and a half, I've only recently begun to use it. We think the fault must lie with our partners or even with the doctor who isn't doing enough.

Next we move to anger. We get mad at our partners for not being as into TTC as we are. We get mad at God for not giving us what we really want. We get mad at those who get their BFP's and those who have kids without having to "try." Fertility meds don't help matters any. They make us emotional and irritable.

Then we start the bargaining stage. We ask what we're doing wrong. Why not us? What can we do to be better, to be more deserving? We begin to pray more, do more things for others, try to prove our worthiness.

Depression comes next. We cry for no reason. We withdrawl into ourselves. We take a step back from blogging, from message boards, from friends, and loved ones. We avoid those who are pregnant or who have children because it just hurts too damn much.

Finally, we reach a state of acceptance. We remember that another cycle means another chance. We make appointments with OB's and RE's. We do more testing. We start looking at next steps.

Unfortunately, with TTC, it doesn't end there. It's as though we begin the process over and over again EVERY cycle. We finally reach that state where we're okay with the 20 or more cycles we've gone through. But then something happens and we get hope that maybe just maybe it's going to end different this time. Then AF rears her ugly head. And we are sent spiraling into grief once again.

I didn't mean for this to get so long. But if you've read this far, I hope it has helped you as much as it has helped me to get it out. It's helped me process my grief a little more. I'm not feeling angry any more. I still wish there was something I could do that would "make" it happen. But I think I'll be okay for a while. At least for the next couple weeks or so.

funny story

Josh was looking at my computer while I was working on my blog earlier and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was fixing my blog, he said "you have a blog? I didn't know that. How long have you had it?" He seemed genuinely shocked to find out that I have had a blog since May and he had absolutely no idea!

insomnia

Okay, it's 1:15 in the morning and I can't sleep. I was scheduled to sub for 3rd grade tomorrow, but I cancelled it. There's no way I can deal with a bunch of 8 year olds after less than 5 hours sleep.

As you can see, I've redesigned my blog layout. I also added some more info. I sent emails to former students and co-workers asking for letters of recommendation. It seems like nothing else has helped me get a job. I'm trying to think of more things to do. I really hate being tired but not able to sleep.

Earlier, I submitted a post to the Creme de la Creme. It wasn't that great, but she said she'd kick anyone's ass who tried to use that as an excuse. I also tried to add the image link to my blog, but it wasn't working for some reason so that was a bit frustrating.

I have no idea what's going on with my body right now. I'm on CD14 (well, 15 now) and I'm still getting lows on my CBE monitor. Every other time I've used my monitor, I've been on Clomid so it might just be confused. I didn't use an OPK today, but the one yesterday was negative. My temps have been higher than normal the last few days. In fact, if I put in a couple more temps like what they've been, FF will give me crosshairs on CD12. But I really don't think I O'd then. Though I have been having odd cramps the last week or so. I've also had some major face breakouts, but that normally happens right before AF shows; I can't remember if I also get it before O. So like I said, I'm really confused. And this is probably the last cycle I'll get to try for a while. Josh is leaving for 3 months in Georgia either early or mid January.

Okay so there's another 10-15 minutes. I'll go see what else I can do until I get tired enough to go to sleep. I might be back later.

"informal meeting"

So I get a call today from the secretary in the HR office for the school district. She says that the principal I interviewed with about 2 weeks ago wants to have an informal meeting with me and his math teachers. This seems to be a good step since I haven't gotten a rejection letter this time and I've never had a second interview with the district. So I'm really hoping that this means that I just might get a "real job"!!!!!!

New Baby

So I got to hold my friend's brand new baby today. She was just about 24 hours old and the absolute sweetest thing I've ever seen. I don't think I've ever held a baby that young before. So adorable. And I'm only like 80% jealous ;)

grrrrr

well, I thought it was full blown AF yesterday, but now I'm thinking it was still just Spot. Man, she's evil. If she's coming, she should just come already. Enough messing with my head. Okay, so I'm not KU. So get here so we can move on to the next cycle and try another IUI. Grrrrr

No need to test

Spot came to visit right after turkey dinner on Thanksgiving Day. What timing. I was only 9dpo so I'm definitely going to talk to the doc about my progesterone levels. It seems that 200 mg of Prometrium just isn't cutting it. Big plunge in temp yesterday. Of course, I hadn't been temping, but it was well below my post O temps that I used to confirm O in the first place. Flo is here today so it's officially CD1--AGAIN! So on to C21. We're going to do another IUI this cycle. If it doesn't work, we should have just enough time for one more cycle before Josh has to go to Georgia for 3 months. We'll be out of town for the first half of that cycle so we won't be able to do a third IUI. But we'll definitely do some major baby dancing!

Anyway, I hope your Thanksgiving was better than mine. Though it was actually pretty good considering AF tried to ruin it.

well, it's official

I'm 6dpo. Since I've confirmed O, I've stopped temping. Especially, since it was just the weekend and the Thanksgiving holidays are coming up. I'm guessing I'll be too busy to worry too much about it. I plan on testing on Sunday, just to see. I'll be 12dpo at that time. So it should be pretty accurate by then.

On a side note, I have a job interview today. It's for a middle school science position. The school also has history and math positions. I'd much rather have the math job, but right now I'll take anything I can get. I'll update when I find out.

I'm leaving tomorrow for Josh's dad's house. We'll be there until Thursday afternoon. It'll be good to get away for a little while. Josh is getting really frustrated with his job right now. He's seriously considering getting out of the Navy in a couple years when his contract is up. And he's a bit scared about what he'll do or where we'll go. I'll try to tell him that we've still got 2 years to decide. But he's been really moody about it.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is always fun. Josh and I dressed up to give out candy. He was a gladiator (or Marc Antony) and I was Cleopatra. We have a lot of kids that come to our neighborhood. So we went through at least $40 of candy in about 2 hours!!

Just for fun

You Are The Fool

You are a fascinating person who is way beyond the concerns of this world.Young at heart, you are blissfully unaware of any dangers ahead.You are a true wanderer - it has be difficult finding your place in this world.Full of confidence, you are likely to take a leap of faith. Your fortune: You are about to embark on a new phase in your life.This may mean changing locations, jobs, friends, or love status.You are open about what the future will bring, and free of worry.You have made your peace with fate, and you're ready to start down your new path.

http://www.blogthings.com/whattarotcardareyouquiz/">What Tarot Card Are You?

well, it's official

My first IUI failed. Josh and I are going to take a break from meds and such this cycle. We'll try the IUI thing again during my Dec cycle.

10dpiui

Temp dropped the morning, but I tested anyway. Of course it was a BFN, just as I expected. I know it could be too early still. And if my temp goes up tomorrow, it's possible that in was an implantation dip. But I'm doubting it. I'm sure this cycle will end in AF just like the last 18. I'm really beginning to think that I won't ever be able to have kids and that I should just move on.

1 week down

1 more to go. I think I'll start testing on Sat or Sun. I really don't have a lot of hope though. If it doesn't happen this cycle, I think we're going to take a break from the meds and temping for a couple months. I think my body needs a break! We'll also need to save up if we're going to do another IUI.

I got it!

I love eBay! I was having a really hard time finding a Halloween costume. Josh found one the other day--he's going to be a gladiator/Roman soldier. I went to so many stores, but I had a hard time finding something plus sized. So I went to eBay and just won a Cleopatra costume! Now we can be Cleopatra and Marc Antony. We're not actually going to any parties or anything, but I always like to dress up to hand out candy to the kids.

2 weeks to wait

So I had my IUI today. It wasn't too bad. I've had a bit of cramping all day. The nurse said that was a good thing b/c that meant ovulation was happening so it was good timing. Now I've just gotta wait 2 weeks and take a pregnancy test to see if it worked.

IUI update

So I got my injection yesterday. That stuff really burns. I can still feel a bit of pain in the spot where it went in. I have my ultrasound on Monday. If the follies look good, then they're going to go ahead and give me an HCG trigger so that I'll O on Tuesday and we'll do the insemination then. Josh isn't really looking forward to it. I'm not sure if he'll have to do it there or if I can bring in his "deposit." But I want him to go with me for the IUI so I don't have to tell our kids that daddy was at work while they were conceived 8)

IUI Plan

• Started Clomid (100mg) on Sat Oct 6
• Thurs, Oct 11 pick up prescription of Repronex
• Fri, Oct 12 have Repronex injection
• Mon, Oct 15 ultra sound to check follies
• If follie check okay, IUI on Wed Oct 17

Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes! I'm really hoping this works

Long time no post, huh?

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted anything since August. I guess life has been fairly boring. I'm still not pregnant. I still don't have a real teaching job.

So the only real update is that we will be doing an IUI this next cycle, which will probably start tomorrow. I've got to call the nurse on CD1 and schedule my U/S and figure out what meds I'll need to take. So hopefully, we'll be on our way to being KU soon. If this IUI does work, that would make me due in July. which will be good as far as school goes. I should be out of school a few weeks before and will still have several weeks before school starts again.

Oh, I guess there is another update as far as the job goes. Next week, I'm going to a sub orientation so that I can start subbing. I'm really tired of working for peanuts the way I am now. I just feel like they're using me and paying me as little as possible. It feels like I'll never get a real teaching job as long as they can get by with paying me as an aide and expecting me to do more.

How well do you know me??

Take this quiz to find out:

http://www.testriffic.com/friendtest/4125807

It's been a while

I know, I know. It's weird--I've been kinda busy, but not much is really going on.

On the TTC front, I'm on my second round of clomid. Once I ovulate I'll start taking prometrium to keep my progesterone levels up. So we're still pretty much just waiting for something to happen.

On the job front, the first day for teachers was yesterday and I'm still working as a freakin aide. With as many new special ed teachers there were at the district department meeting, I'm a little irritated that I didn't get a job this summer. The good news is that I just saw that there is a PK-5 Elementary Classroom position opening. Even better, I have an interview for a 3rd grade position at a private Lutheran school tomorrow morning.

Magic 8 Ball

So Josh just upgraded my computer to Vista and I have all these cool gadgets I can have on the side. One of them is a Magic 8 Ball. So I am now open for business answering questions and making predictions. Ask away--but remember only yes or no questions and I cannot be held responsible for unwelcomed answers. But I'll happily accept gifts from those who receive good news ;)

If at first you don't succeed

try, try again. At least that's what they say, right? So here I am with stupid Aunt Flo visiting once again so I get another chance to get pregnant. But this time, it's a bit different. I get to start taking Clomid this cycle. I never really thought I'd have to take meds to get pregnant. After all, it didn't take my mom a whole month to get preg with me or my younger sister (not sure about older one). And my sister's girls surprised her when they showed up. Now I'm really wishing Josh and I had continued trying when we started like 2 1/2 years ago instead of deciding to wait after about 6 weeks of trying. Oh well, I guess the struggle will just make me appreciate my baby all the more when he/she finally does arrive.

That was rough

I've been to a lot of funerals, but Mollie's was the hardest. I've been able to rationalize just about every other death, but there's no way to understand why such a precious little girl had to go. Please continue to pray for her parents and brother.

As much as I've been focused on trying to get pregnant, this really put it into perspective for me. They say that to have loved and lost is better than not to have loved at all. But I think I'd rather take not being able to get pregnant than to have one much less two of my children die before the age of 11.

HSG

So it looks like my tubes are okay. I've got to tell you though, it hurt like a mother! The lady said it'd feel a lot like menstrual cramps. But it was like 10 times worse. I was almost in tears. But it didn't take too long so the pain was temporary. So I'll see the OB on Friday for my PCT and hopefully he'll give me some progesterone to help my luteal phase.

Please Pray

I'd really appreciate it if you'd pray for Josh's cousin's family. We got a call about an hour and a half ago and were told that his cousin's daughter (Mollie 9 or 10 yrs old) drowned this evening and was pronounced dead at 6pm Hawaii time. This is about 2 or 3 years after her 6 yr old son died after being run over. Today was actually his birthday as well. Needless to say, Jennifer (Josh's cousin) isn't doing too well. She does have a 15 year old son, but she isn't able to have anymore children. So please pray for them.

What was I thinking?????

Okay, so I've volunteered to help with this Drug Education For Youth thing. Sounds like it'll be kinda fun, but I have no idea what exactly I'll be doing. The bad part is that I volunteered before I got a part time job at WalMart where I'm working until midnight most evenings. Then I normally sleep in until around 10 or 11. But here I am up before 7 after going to bed around 1am. I have no idea what time I'll be finished. Hopefully, I'll have enough time to get a nap before I have to go back to work at 7 tonight!! It's only a week and a half so I should be able to do this. I guess it'll also get me prepared for how it will be once the school year starts back--assuming I ever get a teaching job!

Dr's appointments

Okay so I've got a couple more appointments to see what's going on with the whole trying to get pregnant. According to my bloodwork that I had done last week, my progesterone level was low so he may put me on some medication for that. Next Monday, June 25, I have an appointment for an HSG and my PCT on Friday, the 29th. Josh should be excited because the PCT will mean morning sex on Friday :)

Out of town

Josh and I are going to San Antonio to celebrate our 3 year anniversary. We're leaving tomorrow and won't be back until next Thurs. I hope you all have a great weekend :)

Dr's Appt

Okay, so I'm back from my doctor's appointment. He went through a bunch of questions and did an exam. He says that I'm close to ovulating. He suspects PCOS but my bloodwork doesn't match up with that diagnosis. I'm supposed to go back next Thursday for more bloodwork to check progesterone levels. I'm also supposed to call when my next cycle starts so we can set up an appointment for an HSG and PCT. He's not going to do a S/A because the PCT should let him know whether or not there's a male factor. So not a lot of info yet, but we're getting started.

oh, he also told me that if we're BDing at least twice a week, it's probably not a matter of timing so I don't really NEED to temp since it can get real old and add stress. But I personally like knowing exactly where in my cycle I am

another cool thing he said was that often when they do the HSG, the woman gets KU within a few months b/c when they shoot the dye up your tubes it can clear any blockage.

Appointment tomorrow

Since Josh and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now, I have an OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'm really not sure what to expect. Kinda nervous. I had bloodwork done back in April. I picked up my results today. I don't know exactly what I'm looking at, but everything was within the ranges listed on the paperwork. So I'm guessing that's a good sign. Stay tuned for results :)

Busy weekend

It's been a busy weekend with Josh's dad and stepmom visiting. Fortunately they stayed in a hotel rather than our house. But we've been driving them around and showing them our town. Today we went antiquing. We got a really nice English study desk that they helped us pay for. Yesterday we went to an arts and crafts fair and got some a couple things to furnish the house. We actually spent a lot of money this weekend. Oh well.

what a crappy week!!

So I had my job interview on Monday. I thought it went really well. On Wed afternoon, I spoke to one of the ladies that was in charge. She said they were still deliberating and new positions are becoming available so I should just sit tight. Then yesterday I got my rejection letter. I don't get it!!! I have a master's degree and 3 1/2 years experience, but it seems that nobody wants me, grrrrr.

On Tuesday, I got my period, which means once again, I'm NOT pregnant! This really sucks. I'm getting tired of this roller coaster of trying. I know, I know, it'll happen when it's supposed to. But I hate the not knowing and the waiting.

Job interview

So I've got a job interview at 8:40 in the morning. I'd appreciate all the prayers, well wishes, and happy thoughts anyone can spare.

*Happy* Mother's Day

I really hope that all the mom's out there had a great day yesterday. But it sucked for me! I really thought I'd either be a mom or at least pregnant by now :( It's been over a year and yesterday just reminded me that it hasn't happened yet. I couldn't even bring myself to go to church and witness the celebration of moms. I know it seems that I'm overreacting, but it was just a rough emotional day for me.

My first post

Okay, so I've finally made myself a little spot out in cyberspace. It's not a very big area and I might not visit too much. But it's mine. So now I have a place to express myself. So come back and see what's going on in my world--even if it's all in my head.